has your period started yet?

why? who’s asking?

my phone sends me a notification every once in a while asking if my period has started. usually, it has not. my cycle is as irregular as a cycle can be. i wouldn’t even call it a cycle. i’d call it sporadic spotting. its so fun. my life is full of surprises.

my period is often very late or very early. sometimes when i get my period out of nowhere, my close friends and roommates will get theirs too. i’m the alpha. everyone adapts to my cycle. which is bad because my cycle isn’t a cycle.

but i started thinking- if my data is being used by the lizard billionaires to sell me things, what’s stopping them from using my cycle information against me? marking me as ‘fertile’ or whatever. who knows if i’m actually fertile. i don’t want to find out.

i do not want children. i haven’t wanted children for a long time. i think i was just waiting for permission to not want children. and i feel i’ve received that from the realistic mothers on tiktok. they advise against it. that was enough for me. direct from the mouths of those who’ve done it themselves.

i also don’t need to have a child because my bestie doesn’t mind sharing hers.

my new fear is that someone out there will force me to have an evil aryan baby for a rich family that will send that child to boarding school in Switzerland and then force it to become an investment banker.

but i guess luckily i’m so irregular that no one can really track me. not even my phone. my phone gave up. i used to get paranoid as a teen and would change up my routines daily. i’d get off the subway a stop early and walk, just to mix things up. i’d go out of my way to take a different route to my favorite stomping grounds. so no one could ever predict my next move. i was very worried about being followed. only a few times was i actually followed. but i made it hard. i would never do anything at the same time each day. that was on purpose. sort of. i also am scattered and spontaneous and i hate routines in general.

in some ways i think i desire to be unknowable.

whenever i evolve into a Rage Cunt, i assume its because my period is approaching. i get lots of pains, too. nausea. the works. we’re only allowed to be upset and bitchy if we’re getting our periods. then it makes sense. then there’s a reason. maybe i’m just a bitch. maybe i want to be a bitch. maybe i hate being taken advantage of by everyone in my life for always. i’m so sick of everything. don’t minimize my emotions and correct intuitions because of the cycle of the moon. my fertility sequence. i’m not moody, i’m righteous. and i’m in pain. i’m curb stomping fascists. throwing them to the concrete, lifting my leg and bleeding all over their fascist faces.

communism red scare? period blood red scare. i’m going to bleed everywhere.

men don’t mind bloodshed as long as it doesn’t come from a vagina. the only thing that should be exiting a vagina are working class babies and condomless dicks.

i am not a TERF, i don’t want trans women to feel excluded. there’s already enough going on. dumb fucks in charge want to claim trans people don’t exist. well, they do. i know them. i’m friends with them. they definitely exist. they are literally tangible. and they’re not going anywhere, that’s for damn sure. trans people have always existed. if a mother cannot produce breast milk, does that make her any less of a woman? no, that’s what wet nurses are for. that’s what breast milk donations are for. if a woman is infertile, does that make her any less of a woman? no, there’s adoption. no, there’s in vitro. there are even surrogates, which is becoming more and more controversial. maybe we start a program of wet nurses for women who don’t get periods. donate period blood. is that stupid? probably. i don’t care. women can and should be able to do whatever they want. present however they want. say whatever they want. be whoever the fuck they want.

it’s no longer time for discretion.

i’m so fucking angry today. disillusioned. that’s the word i pointed to on my roommate’s shirt. her shirt full of existential crises and wisdom. i feel disillusioned and i hate that feeling. as my boss told me today to get used to working 60 hour weeks when i was supposed to be only working 20, i felt the life drain out of me. i had to stare off into space for a moment to stifle tears. that’s how the industry is. i don’t want to be in this fucking industry. how am i supposed to be an angry, political activist under these conditions?

and i can’t be a broke bitch, either. even though i want to be. because then i’ll be even less safe. i’ll have no capital to execute my escape. and Doechii said i need to get my money up. i have to listen.

the other problem with menstruation is the horniness that comes along with it. how can i want men when i hate men? that’s the age old question, isn’t it. there’s something about the terrifying nature of men that is attractive to many of us women. i get why lesbians hate bi women. because if you can be attracted to a woman, how can you possibly be attracted to a man??? I DON’T KNOW. ALL I KNOW IS THAT IT’S VERY POSSIBLE.

i don’t know what the purpose of this piece is other than i need to talk my shit. also, i have a secret crush. and its very confusing with all this bloody rage i have inside of me.

what follows is the development and devolvement of a crush in real time.