On writing
As someone who always secretly wrote and always felt some sort of shame around it.
I think that's why I started writing about such personal things and posting them for all to see. I can't just ease into writing and being a writer-- I must launch myself full force into it in a way that makes not only me, but everyone else uncomfortable. And that's how I gain comfort? I don't know what my logic is here. But I do know that I have always felt shame for wanting to write. Why? I was always embarrassed and hid my writing. Why? Maybe because I thought I wouldn't be good enough. Or I thought it wasn't a valuable enough pursuit. It's not 'doctor' or 'lawyer' or 'business executive'. Maybe I thought it would disappoint my parents. My parents didn't always like when my sister and I had creative pursuits, so maybe that's why I kept this one to myself. It is too sacred for them to poo poo. It is too personal and too real.
For years I have been working to embrace the thing that makes me truly feel I have a purpose. Something that clears my brain and helps me to feel I have a place in this world. That I am capable and intelligent and thoughtful and caring. It makes me Me. Sometimes. Often.
Maybe my most personal writing was a way for me to say, 'here I am, take it or leave it.' I am announcing my darkest thoughts to you so that you don't have to guess. And I like when other writers do that as well. It's brave. It's honest. And often it is beautiful, even if it is ugly.
And what is writing if not better understanding ourselves and others? Attributing meaning to the things that happen to us. Understanding the things that happen to us. Understanding society and all the ways it fucks us. I just want to understand!
Writing about writing is always kind of annoying. But it's important. Because what the fuck are we even doing? We're creating. People have always written, even before there was pen and paper. There was oration. There was depiction.
We tell ourselves stories in order to live. I'll never not think about that, as cliche as it might be. It will always be true. Without telling stories, I would not live.
Maybe I thought and still think that nothing I have to say is that important. Maybe it's not. Or maybe what I say reaches others who feel the same and don't know how to say it. There have been so many voices that have done that for me, and I want to do the same.
Why should I feel shame about something I love? Something that fuels my existence? Was I taught to feel shame about my existence? Yes, in a lot of ways. Too many ways to even get into.
Every day I work on unlearning this shame for wanting to be myself. The most authentic version of myself. I don't want to be palatable for all. All are not palatable for me.
