recent thoughts

the abridged version

• why did i make those life choices?

• took me a really long time to actually read the vogue article about boyfriends being embarrassing. it’s embarrassing to have a boyfriend who hates you. it is very desirable to have a boyfriend who actually loves you and uses his own two hands to make you food, clothes, furniture, catios and even knockoff designer handbags.

• but maybe that’s all just fake and i should listen to the tiktoker who said to pick the sexiest one because they all lie.

• i’m so low maintenance. like, in a bad way.

• writing is so hard.

• i almost gave up writing.

• maybe i could live in this world of people pleasing and self sacrifice.

• i don’t even want to talk about him. because he shouldn’t matter. he made me want to give up my blog entirely.

• i need to be sober. fully. sober.

• i need to exercise and wash my face and wash my body and pluck hairs out of all my hair follicles and then slap them with the laser. i need to drip sheet masks across my face and neck and file my fingernails and paint them pink.

• i’m low S. low serotonin.

• my thumbs are nearly raw. i’ve picked underneath my thumbnail for so long i fear for the day my nails fall clean off. i’m scared i’m going to get staph infection in my finger and i saw what just happened to max. she got felon finger (felon’s finger???) and then had to get it stabbed and drained at the doctor. she did all of this with me on facetime whilst i was driving. her pointer is wrapped in green gauze and she’s lovingly calling it ‘shrek’s dick.’

• i’m much more mature now. strikingly so. the way i’ve been able to brush off recent events. it is unprecedented. never before seen maturity. that’s called growth.

• i just have to keep writing. everything else in life can suck all it wants. writing is the key. anyone who wants to disrupt my artistry is exiled.

• i’m very grateful to the person who read my novel and made me feel he understood it. he remains one of the most encouraging people in my life. he really believed in me. i believe in him too. even if we don’t speak.

• i don’t like stubborn people. stop being stubborn. stubborn people are only hurting themselves. i will die on that hill.

• i keep thinking about what would happen if the holiday season ceased to exist. there was no end of the year. no hoopla. just a quiet flip of a calendar page. or no calendar at all. we just lived outside of capitalist greed. december didn’t have to be the brokest month of all. the darkest days lit up with pretty pulsing lights and sugary spirits. excess and joy and disappointment. maybe there would be less stress and fewer stampedes. i dread the holidays every year. every year i wish i could shut off entirely. this year i’ll be hurtling towards the equator.

• thank everything holy.